Last month I did something I seriously regretted whilst under the influence of alcohol. I don’t feel I can post details on here, but it was completely out of character for me. I was at a party in Swindon where I barely knew anyone, so none of my close friends were there to stop me. I’d been drinking but wasn’t particularly drunk. However, I’d obviously had enough to affect my judgement because I did something that went against my morals. I felt terrible, both physically and mentally, all night and the next day.
For a while I thought I’d never drink again. Not even a glass. If you know me at all, you’ll know that was pretty unrealistic. I did try for a bit but my heart wasn’t in it. I was just doing it to please my friends at church. So I decided to change to stopping for lent. Apart from one sip of wine where I genuinely forgot, I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol. It hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. I used to think I needed to drink to have a good time and would binge drink every weekend for no particular reason. But I’ve had some good times without alcohol over lent, two of the best being bowling for Mel’s 16th and Nando’s for Beth’s 18th.
So while I’m not ready to completely stop drinking, I have definitely realised my attitude towards it needs to change. I don’t NEED alcohol to have a good time and alcohol is definitely NOT harmless. There’s no point getting drunk all the time for no reason; the only thing that’ll get me is an early grave. After lent, I’m sure I’ll be pubbing, clubbing and partying again, but I’m going to be careful who I drink with. Now that I know there’s so much more to life than drinking I want to experience that too! Who knows, I might even try a sober night out, it could be fun laughing at everyone else being drunk!
Also, I know this was a pretty risky thing to post as a youth leader, and a Christian one at that. If the youth are reading this I want them to know what I never did until recently: that even leaders aren't perfect. I'm not saying for a minute that drinking is right, in fact I know now more than ever that it can be really bad. But I'm also not going to pretend to be perfect. I've been away from church/God for a while, so it's like starting the journey all over again. I'm struggling with all sorts of temptation, I've got a long way to go in my relationship with God and I'm not a brilliant role model. I hope that as I restore my relationship with God, He’ll tell me what I need to change in my life and help me with it.
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Didn’t Get Around To This Last Night
In my last post, I mentioned a challenge. It was to write a list of things that changed your life in 2010 and then go back and write ‘His love endures forever.’ next to each one. I can’t remember everything that happened in 2010, but here’s a list of some of those things:
- My second niece Skye was born. His love endures forever.
- I left college. His love endures forever.
- I got a Christmas temp job. His love endures forever.
- I started attending LIFE (church youth group) more regularly. His love endures forever.
- I made some amazing friends. His love endures forever.
- My estranged dad finally replied to one of my letters, only to tell me he wants nothing to do with me. His love endures forever.
- I was diagnosed with depression. His love endures forever.
- I got bad marks in my dance exams. His love endures forever.
It is actually quite an eye-opening exercise, because makes you see how His word relates to your life. I would strongly recommend that you do this, whether a long or short list and whether you share it or not.
Monday, 14 March 2011
His Love Endures Forever
So I woke up pretty early this morning, which was completely uncharacteristic of me. After waking up a little bit, I felt the urge to check my emails and read ONLY my daily devotionals. I get three per day and don’t always ‘have time’ to read them. The stupid thing is, I do pretty much nothing all day most days. I could easily make time. I have so much more time than a lot of my friends and they still make time for the Bible.
Anyway, only two of them had come, so I read those. The first was about how the power of the Holy Spirit is inside of us waiting for us to ‘activate’ it. It was saying about how if Jesus turned up, you wouldn’t be ‘too busy’ to talk to Him. You would make time for Him no matter what. The second was about different types of faith, a ‘how come people get healed who have never had much faith, yet I have to work so hard?’ sort of thing.
Just as I was about to log out, the third email appeared. It was based around Psalm 136. This next part really jumped out at me. I was literally talking to some of my friends last night about how I’ve been feeling and this just sums it up:
'There may be times in our lives when we cry, “Where are you God? Don’t you care what is happening to me? I can’t hear You. I can’t see Your hand working in my life.” But be assured of this. Even when we can’t sense God’s presence, He is always there. Always. And through it all, one thing remains the same – “His love endures forever!” '
Then there was a prayer: ‘LORD, today I am rejoicing over the truth that Your love endures forever. Even though everything around me may be falling apart and changing, You will always remain the same yesterday, today and tomorrow! In Jesus’ Name, Amen’
It then set a challenge. ‘Just for fun, list all the things that changed in your life in 2010. This might take a while. Now after each of those entries, go back and write the phrase: His love endures forever.’ I am going to do this later, and I challenge everyone reading to do this. In fact, I DARE YOU!
Right now, I am off to get ready and go to my sister’s to see her and my beautiful nieces. I’m feeling another blog entry later, and I’ll share my list with you then.
*first two emails - Kenneth Copeland Ministries
third email - Girlfriends in God*
Anyway, only two of them had come, so I read those. The first was about how the power of the Holy Spirit is inside of us waiting for us to ‘activate’ it. It was saying about how if Jesus turned up, you wouldn’t be ‘too busy’ to talk to Him. You would make time for Him no matter what. The second was about different types of faith, a ‘how come people get healed who have never had much faith, yet I have to work so hard?’ sort of thing.
Just as I was about to log out, the third email appeared. It was based around Psalm 136. This next part really jumped out at me. I was literally talking to some of my friends last night about how I’ve been feeling and this just sums it up:
'There may be times in our lives when we cry, “Where are you God? Don’t you care what is happening to me? I can’t hear You. I can’t see Your hand working in my life.” But be assured of this. Even when we can’t sense God’s presence, He is always there. Always. And through it all, one thing remains the same – “His love endures forever!” '
Then there was a prayer: ‘LORD, today I am rejoicing over the truth that Your love endures forever. Even though everything around me may be falling apart and changing, You will always remain the same yesterday, today and tomorrow! In Jesus’ Name, Amen’
It then set a challenge. ‘Just for fun, list all the things that changed in your life in 2010. This might take a while. Now after each of those entries, go back and write the phrase: His love endures forever.’ I am going to do this later, and I challenge everyone reading to do this. In fact, I DARE YOU!
Right now, I am off to get ready and go to my sister’s to see her and my beautiful nieces. I’m feeling another blog entry later, and I’ll share my list with you then.
*first two emails - Kenneth Copeland Ministries
third email - Girlfriends in God*
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Going Back to School/Lent
Yesterday I went for an interview at my old school, to see if they’ll let me back to get some qualifications. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting it to go well, because I left school early and towards the end wasn’t the best student. Always getting in trouble for smoking, swearing, bunking, attitude or not doing any work. I certainly wouldn’t have let me back! Thank goodness my headmaster only seems to remember the good little girl from before all of that! I met the head of sixth form who helped advise me on which courses to take and unless anything changes between now and September I’ll be doing English and Maths GCSEs, Business Studies and Media Studies ASs (and yes, I am immature enough to find the fact that says ‘ass’ funny!), and ICT BTEC.
I’m so happy to be given another chance and I’m determined to stick at it this time! It’s going to be a lot of hard work, but it’ll be worth it. It’s not the work I’m worried about though. I’ve grown up a lot since leaving school and I know I can do it. My main concern is finances. My first year will be funded by the government, but I’ll probably have to pay for my second, as I’ll be nineteen at the start of the school year. Mum and I aren’t in a great situation financially, so I guess I’ll have to trust God to help with the money. I mean, the sixth form wouldn’t usually accept somebody with no GCSEs and my mum’s attitude towards me going back has improved dramatically since my friends at church started praying about it, so it seems like God’s been involved so far.
In other news, Lent starts tomorrow. I’ve decided giving up drinking permanently is very unlikely at least right now. So I’m going to give it up for Lent instead for now .
I’m so happy to be given another chance and I’m determined to stick at it this time! It’s going to be a lot of hard work, but it’ll be worth it. It’s not the work I’m worried about though. I’ve grown up a lot since leaving school and I know I can do it. My main concern is finances. My first year will be funded by the government, but I’ll probably have to pay for my second, as I’ll be nineteen at the start of the school year. Mum and I aren’t in a great situation financially, so I guess I’ll have to trust God to help with the money. I mean, the sixth form wouldn’t usually accept somebody with no GCSEs and my mum’s attitude towards me going back has improved dramatically since my friends at church started praying about it, so it seems like God’s been involved so far.
In other news, Lent starts tomorrow. I’ve decided giving up drinking permanently is very unlikely at least right now. So I’m going to give it up for Lent instead for now .
Friday, 4 March 2011
a friend's blog
Please read/follow my friend Ben's blog: http://hudell.blogspot.com/
His latest post is on the subject of friendship, which is a pretty big part of most people's lives, so it's definitely worth reading :)
His latest post is on the subject of friendship, which is a pretty big part of most people's lives, so it's definitely worth reading :)
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
My Door
Taking inspiration from friends and adding my own twist has resulted in Bible verses and Christian song lyrics on neon sticky notes stuck to the inside of my bedroom door (with Blu-tack, ‘cuz they’re just not sticky enough). But it’s nowhere near finished yet, so if you have any ideas for verses or lyrics please comment this post.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Four Goals
Credit to Ellie (let me just take this chance to plug her blog: http://ellieundone.blogspot.com/) for helping me come up with these.
1) don't try to please anyone other than God
2) stop drinking
3) read Bible, pray, develop personal relationship with God
4) don’t go to male friends for help unless absolutely necessary
Now, these aren’t going to be easy. For example, number 2. I went out yesterday, not worried about getting too drunk cuz I only had £4.50 in my purse. Well, my friend Sam’s dad bought me a vodka and coke at The Goose and then Sam and I went to the Manor and she offered to buy me drinks. Did I refuse? No. I mean, who would turn down free drinks, right? But later, feeling like utter crap, I realised I’d probably drunk too much. I’m proud to say I did turn down cigarettes though. I guess I’m just taking this one step at a time.
Number 1 – anyone that knows me will know I try way too hard to please my friends. I like to make everyone happy and generally do what I’m told. When it comes to God, I’m not so great. I go to church every Sunday, I pray occasionally but really, I have a habit of friends over God. I guess it’s cuz I can’t see God. There’s always that ‘what if?’ nagging at the back of my mind, ‘what if God’s not real and I’ve given up everything for no reason?’. My friends, well, I know they’re real. But I’ve come to realise that whatever I do, they’ll never be completely satisfied. So living for God: well, if He’s real, I’ve got a free ticket to a neverending holiday, which is pretty cool tbh! If He’s not (and that is such a tiny ‘if’, because I’ve seen so much that proves He is real), have I really wasted my life by not wrecking my liver? By not sleeping with every guy that comes along? I doubt I’ll ever regret things like that. So maybe now it’s time to give it a go - what have I got to lose?
Number 3 - I so want to do this! I’ve gone back to church, started praying more, but where do I start with reading the Bible? It’s a pretty huge book! If anyone actually has ideas on this, PLEASE comment! As for a relationship with God, I guess by reading the Bible and praying that’ll sort of improve anyway.
Number 4 – I think this will actually be the easiest to stick to. I’ve made so many great girlfriends (and by that I mean, friends who are female!) lately that I don’t need to go to guys. In the past, guys were the only people who would listen to me ramble on about my problems, but not anymore (thanks to all my new friends at KCC for being there).
Now that I’ve posted these for the world to see, I’m going to want to stick to them. Does that mean I’m automatically breaking number 1?
1) don't try to please anyone other than God
2) stop drinking
3) read Bible, pray, develop personal relationship with God
4) don’t go to male friends for help unless absolutely necessary
Now, these aren’t going to be easy. For example, number 2. I went out yesterday, not worried about getting too drunk cuz I only had £4.50 in my purse. Well, my friend Sam’s dad bought me a vodka and coke at The Goose and then Sam and I went to the Manor and she offered to buy me drinks. Did I refuse? No. I mean, who would turn down free drinks, right? But later, feeling like utter crap, I realised I’d probably drunk too much. I’m proud to say I did turn down cigarettes though. I guess I’m just taking this one step at a time.
Number 1 – anyone that knows me will know I try way too hard to please my friends. I like to make everyone happy and generally do what I’m told. When it comes to God, I’m not so great. I go to church every Sunday, I pray occasionally but really, I have a habit of friends over God. I guess it’s cuz I can’t see God. There’s always that ‘what if?’ nagging at the back of my mind, ‘what if God’s not real and I’ve given up everything for no reason?’. My friends, well, I know they’re real. But I’ve come to realise that whatever I do, they’ll never be completely satisfied. So living for God: well, if He’s real, I’ve got a free ticket to a neverending holiday, which is pretty cool tbh! If He’s not (and that is such a tiny ‘if’, because I’ve seen so much that proves He is real), have I really wasted my life by not wrecking my liver? By not sleeping with every guy that comes along? I doubt I’ll ever regret things like that. So maybe now it’s time to give it a go - what have I got to lose?
Number 3 - I so want to do this! I’ve gone back to church, started praying more, but where do I start with reading the Bible? It’s a pretty huge book! If anyone actually has ideas on this, PLEASE comment! As for a relationship with God, I guess by reading the Bible and praying that’ll sort of improve anyway.
Number 4 – I think this will actually be the easiest to stick to. I’ve made so many great girlfriends (and by that I mean, friends who are female!) lately that I don’t need to go to guys. In the past, guys were the only people who would listen to me ramble on about my problems, but not anymore (thanks to all my new friends at KCC for being there).
Now that I’ve posted these for the world to see, I’m going to want to stick to them. Does that mean I’m automatically breaking number 1?
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